Monday, January 16, 2012

1 week update

It's been one week since surgery. I've lost 13 pounds. I really didn't expect to lose quite that much. I've heard, for the first month, one pound a day would be the maximum amount of weight that I'd lose. I know that as I add more calories, it will slow down. For the past two days, I've tried to have some sort of food at a normal meal time. For example, for breakfast, I had a pack of grits, for lunch, a little soup. And dinner , cream of wheat. I've noticed that I do feel slightly hungry or maybe a better word is empty around meal times. But, it only takes a very small amount, something as simple as a 4oz yogurt cup, to fill me up.
   Physically, I feel pretty good. I still have some pain around that one area of my stomach. But I feel better and better everyday. I thought my headaches were getting much better but Ive noticed that I do still have headaches. Im starting to think those past few days, when I thought my headaches were better, it may have actually felt better because of the stronger pain medicine I was on. I haven't taken the pain medicine this weekend and the headaches are back. It's not quite as bad as before surgery so maybe the weight loss is helping. Time will tell.
  Emotionally, I've been having a hard time. I know a lot of people will hear that and say " didn't you prepare for this emotionally"?. Well, yes, I did. But, no amount of researching or preparing can 100% prepare you for this. Like I previously said, I am very honest so, whether things are great , or really bad, I will say it like it is.  With that said, this weekend was my hardest time yet. I went to the moives with my kids Saturday evening. We actually went to Cinema Cafe. It's really hard in situations like that where everyone is ordering all this food and I sit back and see everyone eating, like there's no thought process to it. I guess I never thought about what I was eating before either. When I was hungry , I ate. So, I just felt like the odd ball out. Then, I used to go out to eat a lot with my husband on the weekends. We went to BJs  to get him a haircut yesterday. I knew in my head that we usually go to Chili's or Outback.He is very good about all of this. After his haircut, he just asked me to go to Starbucks. Yes, I can go to Starbucks and I feel "normal" there. I can sip on a coffee, just like everyone else. But, when I pulled in the parking lot, I just broke down. Chili's is right beside Starbucks. I briefly saw people of all different sizes walk into Chili's. And, again, I had this feeling of being soooo different, like I'm the only one. At that moment, I honestly didn't care if I lost another pound, I just wanted to go back to how I used to be and go into that restaurant like I used to. I know that as time goes on, I will be able to go into a restarant and order food and eat, just like normal people do. But, can I go order the 2 for $20 with my husband , and eat a "normal" size meal. No, probably never.  I may be able to eat a kids meal or order a regular meal and take the rest home. YES, I KNOW that is amount of food , even normal people should eat, but still, it's just hard for me. Everyone is different and this has been one of my biggest struggles. Anyway, Im even cheating a bit, having grits and soup. I am really supposed to be on liquids for two weeks. But, I'm at a point of gagging on liquids only. I went really slow with the yogurt and grits and seem to be fine with it. I know the biggest risk with this surgery is a leak so I need to be very careful. I go back to my doctor on the 24th, and at that point, I should be able to have shredded cheese and very very finely cut meats, veggies, etc. So, it's my goal to make it to the 24th, emotionally.
    My daughter, Kelsey, also has headaches everyday. She is a perfect weight. So, Im starting to wonder if the doctors were really right about telling me that these headache will go away when Im a healthy weight.  Either way, being a healthy weight is better for anyone's health.
    I'm feeling a little better, emotionally, today. To be honest, I think I sound pretty selfish, talking about being depressed because Im not going into Chili's. What is wrong with me? There's lots of people in this world who won't have dinner tonight. There's famies who don't know where next weeks dinner will come from. So, yes, I'm giving myself a reality check.
    I think that I've taken food away and I haven't replaced it with anything. Im going to try and replace it with something else.I'd like to do some sort of service project with my kids, something with helping people in need.  So, that is my project this week, to figure out a service project. And, I can't wait until I get the green light to start exercising! We are members of the Y and I can't wait to be able to start exercising. That happens at the 2 week point also.
   I know I need to wrap this up, but I wanted to mention one more thing.. I've made a point to talk about my bad times emotionally, but I haven't talked about the good ones. Yesterday, I had the honor of teaching the 9th grade girls at Liberty Baptist.  I really enjoy being able to teach them on Sundays. They have been one of my biggest encouragers through all of this. I love them!
   Today is a new day......
Jan

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